Letter to my grandmother

Granny

I'm sorry that I didn't spend more time with you. I didn't know how much you were missing Pawpaw. I can't imagine how lonely it must have been for you there by yourself. Now looking back I can see how much it meant to you when I would visit. Back then I was young, in college, and had a lot of things going on in my life. I didn't realize until after you died how precious time is. Even after your death, I didn't realize it fully until my son was born. Time is fleeting.

I'm sorry that I didn't talk to you that day we came to visit you in the nursing home. I was afraid. I was afraid to see you like that. You asked me why I didn't want to sit next to you. Why was I standing so far away. I was afraid. I was really freaked out when mom asked me to put lotion on your back. You seemed so fragile, I didn't want to touch you for fear that I'd hurt you. But I did it, and I'm glad I did it. You told me how good it felt. You could barely speak. So much pain medication. So much pain.

I'm sorry that I didn't tell you right then how much I loved you. I'm sorry I didn't tell you that I would always cherish our memories and how much you loved me. I was your baby's baby.

I know you are still with me. I know you were with me at Dad's house that night with Pawpaw. I know that you weren't mad at me or hurt by me, but I was racked with guilt.

Now I realize that you are still in my life and you will always watch over me, but I also realize that you are taking care of things for you as well.

I wish you would visit mom. I know you watch over her, too. I imagine she talks to you.

I love you and miss you.